Katie (esotaria) wrote in plain_english,
Katie
esotaria
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Editing Help

I've just finished writing a script for a scholarship contest hosted by Drexel (one of the colleges I'm applying to next year). I'd really appreciate it if you guys could look it over and comment on anything; this is only my second script, and it's such a different format. o.O

Anyway, I need to send it out before this Thursday, but any help is greatly appreciated.



FADE IN:

INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY (DAY 1)

A group of about thirty STUDENTS are scattered throughout the
auditorium, listening (with various degrees of attention) to the
DIRECTOR give his notes.

DIRECTOR
(in the middle of his notes)
Mrs. Calvin, nice scream. Alice, you need to
project more. And John, if you miss that
entrance again I will be forced to make you
suffer horribly.

The students laugh.

DIRECTOR
And that's all the notes I have for today.
Tomorrow we'll be running Act II. And Monday
we'll run the infamous Act III.

A chorus of "Oooooooh!"s.

DIRECTOR
(grinning)
And yes, Dave and Alice will have to kiss.

The ooooooh-ing increases in volume and intensity, and all eyes
turn to GARY , the male lead. He looks absolutely shocked, and
various jokes at his expense are called out.

DIRECTOR
Oh come on, it's not that big a deal. You
kids. Last reminder, set construction this
weekend - Saturday noon to four, Sunday one
to five. And that's it. Get out of here.

The noise level immediately skyrockets, and like a gelatinous
blob the students rise and pack up their things. Gary is the last
to get up, and when he does he makes his way to the Director, who
is chatting with the STAGE MANAGER. Gary shifts nervously as he
waits for the Director's attention.

DIRECTOR
Well, what can I do for you?

GARY
(obviously nervous)
D-does it have to be a real kiss?

DIRECTOR
Isn't that what I said?

GARY
(even more nervous)
But....can't we change it? Make it a stage
kiss?

DIRECTOR
You nervous? It's really not that big a deal.

Gary does not look convinced.

DIRECTOR
I thought about making it a stage kiss, but
it really doesn't work for the scene. It's
too funny. We want the audience to go "awww,"
not laugh. Okay?

Gary nods reluctantly, and goes back to grab his backpack and
exit the auditorium, the picture of misery.

FADE OUT.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY (DAY 2)

Your typical high school cafeteria - crowded and noisy, with
teachers standing in the doorways like prison guards. Gary is
sitting at the edge of a table close to the doorway, picking at
his school-made meatball sub with a distinct lack of interest.
Gary's best friend MATT looks rather concerned.

MATT
You okay, Gary?

GARY
(voice dull)
Yeah.

MATT
How very reassuring.
(pause)
Okay, spill it.

GARY
(sighs)
I have to actually kiss a girl for the play.

MATT
(....and?)
What, she got a jealous boyfriend or
something?

GARY
I've never been kissed before! I don't want
to lose my first kiss to the stage!

MATT
(beat)
Okay, it's official. You're too much of a sap
to be male.

BECCA (OS)
Well we already knew THAT.

BECCA plops down next to Matt. She's not particularly attractive,
but not particularly ugly either. You look at her and immediately
think "Nice kid." She takes a bite of her taco and looks at Gary
expectantly.

BECCA
So what's this all about?

MATT
Gary's gonna "lose his first kiss to the
stage."

BECCA
Ouch. Sucks to be you, my friend.

Gary whimpers pitifully and bangs his head on the table.

BECCA
Awww!! Poor thing!
(pats Gary's head

GARY
(voice muffled)
What am I going to DO?!?

MATT
(dryly)
Throw yourself off a bridge?

Gary looks up and glares at him.

BECCA
Or you could just try getting kissed before
then.
(teasingly)
Any secret crushes? This would be the perfect
time to get them out in the open.

Gary whimpers and hides his head again. Becca laughs in fond
amusement and returns to her lunch.

BECCA
(completely changing topic)
Oh, Gary, I'm joining stage crew. Are you
gonna come to set construction?

Gary nods without lifting his head.

MATT
(poking Gary's head)
Yo, am I still coming over tonight?

GARY
(voice muffled)
Rot in hell.

MATT
I'll take that as a yes.

FADE OUT.

INT. GARY'S HOME - DAY (DAY 2)

Matt and Gary are in Gary's living room, which is a nice, low-key
place until you reach this one wall, which is completely
dominated by a big screen tv and hundreds of videogames. The two
boys are staring at the screen intently, mashing the controllers
with all of their might until finally -

GARY
(delivering the killer blow)
SCORE!

MATT
That was just a practice round!

GARY
Just like the other nine times I whupped you?
Face it, I owned you fair and square.

Matt makes a face at Gary, and Gary makes one back. This goes on
for several minutes until Gary suddenly blurts out:

GARY
I'm hungry.

MATT
Same.

GARY
Wanna order pizza?

MATT
Sure.

Gary jumps to his feet and heads towards the phone. Matt
stretches as the sound of pizza being ordered is heard in the
background, and a slightly pensive look crosses his face. He
gives Gary a thoughtful look as the other boy sits down.

GARY
I ordered a large cheese and a bottle of
Coke. That cool?

MATT
Sounds good.
(pensive pause)
Becca's right, you know.

Gary freezes, then starts nervously looking through his games.

GARY
I can't.

Matt studies Gary, and then somebody flicks the switch.

MATT
You like her, don't you?

Gary avoids Matt's gaze, continuing to sift through his
collection of games with no real purpose save avoiding Matt.

MATT
You should tell her.

GARY
Why?

MATT
She might like you too.

GARY
She doesn't.

MATT
How do you know?

GARY
It's impossible.

MATT
Bullshit.
(no response)
If you don't try, you don't succeed.

GARY
(bitterly)
Yeah, and you don't fail either.

MATT
Now what kind of a response is that?

GARY
The response of someone who has everything to
lose.

MATT
(derisively)
Drama queen.
(pause)
You really should tell her.

GARY
Why? I'm perfectly happy the way things are.

MATT
So says the moodiest person I know! You, my
friend, are lying through your teeth.
(persuasively)
Look, you have the perfect excuse. You'd
rather lose your first kiss to a friend than
to the stage. Nothing has to change if you
don't want it to!

GARY
Things always change.

MATT
I guess the old adage is true. People would
rather be certain that they're miserable than
risk being happy.

This obviously strikes home with Gary. He gets a very pensive
look on his face.

FADE OUT.

INT. AUDITORIUM - STAGE - DAY (DAY 3)

The sounds of hammers, drills, and people talking permeate the
room. People are scampering about onstage, taking care of their
respective tasks, while the leftovers sit in the auditorium,
chatting and waiting to be needed. Gary sits apart from the rest,
watching the people on stage - more specifically, Becca -
intently. A few minutes later, she finishes up her assigned task,
and simply stands in the middle of the stage, admiring the
incomplete set. Gary sighs, and, gathering up his courage like a
safety blanket, heads up to talk to Becca.

GARY
(tapping Becca's shoulder)
Can I talk to you for a minute?

BECCA
Sure.

Gary leads her out of the auditorium and into the little hallway
next to it. They both plop down on the floor and sit. In silence.

BECCA
(concerned)
You okay?

GARY
(embarrassed)
Oh, yeah, sorry. This is just kind of
awkward. If you could just bear with me...

Becca nods, and the silence continues.

GARY
...can I kiss you?

Becca looks shocked.

BECCA
(after a pause)
Is this because of the play?

GARY
(nodding)
Your first kiss is supposed to be special. I
don't want to remember mine as just a part in
a play.
(embarrassed pause)
I'd rather remember it with you.

BECCA
(grinning)
You are such a sap, you know that?
(pause)
Sure. I'd be honored.

Gary is more than a little surprised, and it's quite obvious that
he doesn't really know what to do. Hesitantly, though, and not
without some awkwardness, he kisses her. As they break apart, an
uncomfortable silence swoops in to fill up the space between
them.

BECCA
So...is this supposed to change things?

GARY
(shyly)
Only if you want it to.

BECCA
What do YOU want?
(Gary hides his head, making her
laugh)
You really are a girl. You just can't come
out and say what you want.

Becca then takes Gary's hand, and leans her head on his shoulder.
Gary pauses for a moment, marveling at such poetic stuff as the
miracle of her hand in his and the wonder of her head on his
shoulder. Once such quaint fancies have passed, however, he
extricates his hand and wraps his arm around her shoulder, and
they're just two kids who don't need poetry to express how
they're feeling.

FADE TO BLACK:

END OF SHOW
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